I’ve been waiting and wondering when the sun will rise. While I wipe the tears from my burning red eyes. My life, the world flipped upside down. Instead of earth it’s me spinning around. My heart is bleeding, cut open wide. There is nothing left, I am empty inside. Please, someone let me out of this cage. I will give anything, pay any wage. Now knowing how good life was before. I long for a hard day at work and a morning rushing out the door. The things I used to worry about and thought were so bad. Are the things I want now, the worries I wish I had. There is nowhere to run, no place to hide. So I wait for the sun with Daunorubicin by my side.
*Daunorubicin is a chemotherapy drug. Theo likes that it turns his pee a “pretty” orange/pink color.*
I wrote this poem sometime within the first week or two of Theo’s diagnosis. The dark days. I want to make it clear that this poem reflects my feelings at that time, but not currently. In the beginning, I was fearful of anything being too good. Theo responding well to treatment, receiving a good report, numbers back up… in some odd way I would expect that any good news would not last, that something worse would happen as if trying to protect myself. I wanted to always be prepared for bad news because I just couldn’t take another knife to my stomach.
Well, I am over that now. Time heals us and my feelings have evolved. I have come to accept what is happening, knowing that there is a plan. I need to stay strong and positive for my son. There is no time to waste on bad feelings or energy. Life is too short.
Celebrate the small wins!! He took his medicine without crying? Great! He had a soft poop? Woohoo! He doesn’t need a blood transfusion? YES. Nothing else matters to me. Theo and his health and happiness are all that matters. My family matters. So now, I enjoy a good laugh, eat a good meal, and have a good workout. When Theo is having a good day or has even a moment with a smile, I must enjoy it and soak up every second of happiness. I’ve learned to find peace and joy in not planning or constantly thinking of what the future holds. How will he feel next week? What if he gets sick? What if I get sick? What if anything! I can’t worry about what might happen. Are we going to buy a house this year???? I DON’T CARE. What are we doing this weekend? I DON’T CARE. Take away the unnecessary stress.
And just one last thought before I give you some actual updates: Do you live your life like you’ve survived cancer? I can’t wait for Theo to beat this so he can enjoy a full life ahead, experience, learn, play, grow, see… had I been a kid with cancer, my parents would’ve wanted the same for me. Did I take advantage of my life the way I wish for my son to one day??? We have all beat cancer… who’s to say we won’t get it one day? So until then, we have beat it. Be happy, enjoy living cancer free. Do what you wish to do now that you don’t have it!!!!
“There,” said Toad. “Now I feel better. I am not in the dumps anymore.” -Days With Frog and Toad